My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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