The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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