I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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