U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He did a backflip because drugs
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize