Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
