in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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