Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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