Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
