I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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