all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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