Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
