the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
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I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize