the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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