Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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