God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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