Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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