THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
