I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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