I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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