Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
