I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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