dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
