I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
