You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
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