Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
