She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
