So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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