I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I need to calm my uterus...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
