I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
