I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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