Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
