woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Sex in the backyard? Check.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
