i just google imaged poop.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
