OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
