So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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