You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
