wat bout pragnant strippers??
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
