you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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