Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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