i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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