I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
