Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Randomize
