Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
nutella sex= disaster
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
