The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
