Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
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