yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
