Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
