i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.