So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
