Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
