I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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