Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
