I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
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