I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
