I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Randomize
