Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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