id be glad to
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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