i just made my gag reflex go away.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
